Sweet Clouds.

I'm an AWFUL traveler. I'm the guy who ends up with ridiculous layovers, baggage issues and bruised elbows (thank you stewardess)

But you see, it's more than that - I'm a triple threat:

1) I snore.

- When flying, I'm usually in the midst of an 82 hour layover, waking at 3 AM to catch a flight resembling the single engine gem from "Major League." I'm unconscious in about 2 seconds, waking myself by snoring. If snoring approaches chainsaw velocity, I'll focus attention on the window to stay awake. But . .


2) I'm a window hog.

- What's that, I have an aisle seat? No matter, I'll continuously lean over your lap to look out your window. Because, apparently I've never seen the sky before. Sweet clouds. Wow, those are new. They're so. . .blue. (5 seconds later) more clouds - this is enlightening. I'm not annoying you at ALL.


3) I'll talk your ear off or ignore you like the plague

- Your grandson won the spelling bee? He gets straight A's!?! Depending on my sleep/coffee level, responses will vary. . .

With sleep and/or coffee: "Spelling bee AND straight A's!? Wow, you've got yourself a real leader!"

No Sleep or coffee: "Lady, he's 7 years old, EVERYONE gets straight A's when the questions involve how many marshmallows are in a dozen! Lets hold off on the Einstein praises, OK?

Sup, Broa? (Assclowns 'R Us)

If you identify with more than 2 of the traits below, you're exceeding Spencer Pratt in general ass - clown - dom.


You might be an assclown if:

- Your entire wardrobe consists of Hermes Ties - and you're (disturbingly) proud of it
- You wear Red pants, ridiculous belts, and pink shirts more often than Richard Simmons says "Geeeeez!"
- You drive a BMW more than 3 years old and flaunt it as if it were a Bentley
- You've EVER said the word "Bro" - and meant it seriously
- You don't "get" the humor on the show, "The Office."
- You order Red Bull weekly, or have cases of it available at all times
- You refer to yourself in the 3rd person or have a ridiculous nickname for yourself like, "The Captain"

Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape

Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape.

Oh, there's no link to it or anything.

I just wanted to drive traffic to the site.

You pervert.

Cubicled Nation

Looking for solace from your cubicle?

Check out this site, you're not alone in your misery.

Sex, Coffee and Instant Messenger?

Let's face it, if you're a 20 something (or any something) single in the workplace, hookups happen. These days, flirting brews at the Flavia machine, between cubicles - culminating beautifully during those annoying IM sounds. Whether it's AOL instant messenger or Gchat, your stupid one liners can be seen (and not laughed at) without anyone knowing.


The beauty of instant messenger is illustrated in a mock conversation below:


Copaba: Michelle, that party was rough, I passed out in the bathroom!
Mdermot: I know, I’m the one who took your pants off!
Mdermot: J/K
Mdermot: hahahahahahahaha


The multifunctional "haha" although overly used (and annoying) can also save you. Say something stupid? Embarassing? One "haha" or "jk" and all is forgiven. Like the following:


Copaba: Are you staying late to finish that presentation?
Jeffcg: No, I only stay late to finish projects that won't die.
Copaba: Gotcha.
Jeffcg: Like the time I murdered that prostitute!
Copaba: Huh?
Jeffcg: J/K!!!!!!!!!!!

You thought Manhattan Subways Were Bad?

Did you have a rough subway ride this morning?

It could be worse.

Discovering Metro Marche

I work in the Port Authority Bus Terminal.

Allow me to repeat that.

I work in the PORT AUTHORITY BUS TERMINAL.

Do you know what that means? Do you?

Well if you don't I'm not going to get into it here, lets just say it's not "pleasant." It's a borderline insane asylum/prison.

Remember how it felt when you woke up to a blizzard, praying school would be canceled? Then - you saw it - your school's name flashed across the screen.

Not delayed, CANCELED.

This was how I felt the first time I ate at Metro Marche. I couldn't believe it. Finally, a normal eatery. It sprouted out as an oasis in a building of evil. It was like running into Heidi Klum at an overeater's anonymous convention. Beautiful. Unexpected. Heavenly.

P.S.

Unless you're looking to watch the homeless wash themselves or looking for "extracurricular activities" stay out of the bathrooms in the port.

I'm an addict.

I've been Yelping. I can't stop.

Retired by 27 ?

Shockingly, googling "retired by 27" didn't bestow any wisdom to help shed the Cubicled existance I'm accustomed to. It did bring up an Australian author who claims to have been a millionaire by 25 and retired by 27. You can check her out here.

These days, she writes and has speaking engagements - I imagine to keep $ in her bank account for the purpose of accumulating interest - not a bad life.

Hiatus, Yelp and Subway Advertising

As you may have noticed, I haven't written in a while. I thought my fans in Seoul (I'm huge in Korea) might let this slide but my everyday reader. . . (s?) aren't happy.

Who knew?

I've spent a lot of my time on Yelp.com, perusing and writing reviews for some of the best and worst spots in Manhattan. It's a great site and I highly recommend it for lushes looking for a Japanese - karaoke bar on a Tuesday. It's a pretty funky site and fairly easy to get hooked.

On a different note, has the subway become a train for leapers? Bunions, balding and bad skin ads are everywhere. Either the subway needs to increase its rates for advertising or these trains attract some disturbing characters.

Bunion Surgery?

Private investigations for divorce?

Skin diseases and infomercial balding techniques?

Nothing starts a morning off right like staring into the face of a bunion. . mmmm. . .mmm. MM.


Keep the ridiculous office stories coming. . they're great inspiration.

Office Life

If you work in an office with young professionals, you should be able to relate to this anecdote about blissful office life.

Congratulations, You're Obese

A lunch at Chevy's left me re-examining my eating habits and the judgments that come with them.

We placed the order.

Waitress, "Do you have more people coming?"

Me, "Uh, no. I'm kind of obese."

Waitress, "Oh. Are you sure you want that much?"

Me, "Yeah, it's ok."

Waitress, "You know you get unlimited bowls of chips, right?"
At this point I began wondering why someone whose livelihood depends on us ordering lots of food is so vehemently questioning our fatness.

Me, "Yes, the chips are a good buffer."

Waitress, "Well, you probably don't need the appetizer. There's a lot of food without it."

Me, "Bring me the food."

After the meal - she was astonished/disgusted. She began, "I've worked here 8 years. No one has ever finished everything you ordered, congratulations!"


What she meant was, "Congratulations, you're obese."