Welcome to the 1st Edition of - Why Am I Friends With You?

Think your friends are weird? Have a look at what my friends are saying in the 1st installment of: Why Am I Friends With You?


"If guys pee standing up and girls pee sitting down, how confused is the guy in the stall who just got a sex change operation?" - Male, 28

"No, I said I don't like anyone. I just like having sex with EVERYONE." - Male, 27

"Yeah, we had a lot of fun. I'm just not looking to be her baby's daddy." - Male, 26

"Meoooow, Meoooow. Woof. Woof." - Co-worker's computer, each time she clicks the mouse

"He's the only male in the department. He writes about girls volleyball. He coaches girls tennis. If he weren't married, I'd have some questions." - Male 25

"The doctor said my blood pressure is through the roof. I've been really cutting back. I had a cheesecake burrito for lunch. It's basically fried dough filled with cheesecake. It was amazing." - Male, 27

"Why is he the best sex I've ever had? He's ENORMOUS." - Female, 26

"When ugly people go to the gym, are they thinking, "Well . . . . this is a waste of time." - Male 25

(In Church, referring to the choir) "Their next song is going to be Mambo # 5." - Male, 29

Lay Off The Red Bull, Tiger

The morning person (derived from the Latin: Annoyus - Morningus - Persones) has the obnoxiousness of 3 loud talkers. The true evil of the morning person can only be understood when dealing with other (normal) annoyances. Perhaps you woke up late. Maybe you didn't have time to grab a cup of coffee. With the morning person, anything can set you off. With each loony word, morning person lays siege to your normal routine.

Their gleeful happiness and coyote cackling would be fine (no, it wouldn't) - if it wasn't 8 AM on a Monday. While it may appear they've shot gunned a dozen red bulls, chances are they're naturally (mosquito swatting) annoying. Excuse me - yeah, you doing the jumping jacks - if you could stop doing the running man while singing "I'm a maniac" - that would be FANTASTIC.

You're celebrating the morning like you've just won Powerball. Why are you so happy? Yes, we all know you're a morning person. We're thrilled for you.

What's that? You just ran 5 miles? Congratulations. I just ate 5 bowls of Fruity Pebbles. You don't see me bragging.

I try to block you out with my iPod. Even Jay-Z can't silence you. Your cheesy cheeriness makes my rapper sound like a 9 year old girl who just got her first bike. What kind of crazy smiley pills are you on? It's not so much that you make me shutter with disgust (you do) it's just that it's hard to fathom someone being so genuinely in love with:

A) Talking so much in the morning

B) Talking so much in the morning at the rate of speed you speak

and

C) Talking so much in the morning at the rate of speed you speak and with the gummy bear bounciness in which you speak it.

Talk less. Flail your arms much less. Do ANYTHING else more.

Masonry Muppet

This was the company my building hired for construction. Because - nothing screams professionalism like a giant cartoon asscrack.

The Greatest Character on Television

As if the contrast between Doogie Howser M.D. and Barney wasn't funny enough, here are some of Barney's best quotes. When you have time, I highly suggest reading Barney's Blog.

"You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. FRIENDSHIP OVER."

"A week? That's like a year in hot girl time."

[To Marshall and Lilly at their wedding reception] "Hey guys, we're kinda in the middle of something, so if you could go bicker, or share tense, sexless silence or whatever married people do somewhere else, that'd be great."

"There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated. Breast. Implants."

"Oh, God! This is the twelfth most worried I've been that someone's pregnant."

Thanksgiving Predictions

While enjoying football and wine, consider 3 inevitable situations you will encounter:

1) You will run into (at least) a dozen people whom you haven’t spoken with since last years Thanksgiving. Every conversation will be exactly the same. You will feign interest in what the other person is talking about, while making it appear you want them as your best man/brides maid. After all, if you’re so happy to see each other, why haven’t you spoken in a year? The conversation will go something like this:

Them: (faking they are happy to see you) HEEEEEEEY!!!! How are you!!! I haven’t seen you in forever! What are you up to these days?

You: (faking like you are happy to see them) Oh my GOD, How are YOU?!? I’m doing great. I’m living XXXXXX and working XXXXX. What’s new!?

And on and on. If you’re close enough with the individual, you can say something like, “You know, I could care less how you’ve been.” But with these people, it would be inappropriate.

2) You will use Thanksgiving as an excuse to be a complete sloth. Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, biscuits, stuffing, pie. Hmmmm, let’s see – oh, I know – wine should top me off nicely. You will fill your plate with a cornucopia of colorful foods. You think to yourself, “This is so beautiful; it’s almost a shame to eat.” Then you think, “Who am I kidding?” and dig in like Rosie O’Donnell at a buffet. You will wonder, sometimes aloud, how much gravy must be put on white meat to make it taste good.

3) Your BGC, (blood gravy content) will reach .27, meaning your minutes away from entering a tryptophan blackout. If the tryptophan doesn't get you, those four glasses of wine might. You will stream in and out of consciousness during football games, waking up for a second to stutter something like, “Whafts das schorre?” For the next few days, you will eat turkey every half hour. You will come home drunk from a night out and have turkey sandwiches. This all seems normal, until you return from vacation to greet Mr. extra 5 lbs.

While there are a variety of things to be thankful for on Thanksgiving, please remember the most important among them - you're not a vegetarian.

An Open Letter to Spencer Pratt (The Hills)

Valentine's day came early this year, I can't hold back my passionate feelings about Spencer any longer. I'm mailing this letter to him today and will be destroyed if I don't receive a response.

7 Train Tomfoolery

Begging with Bowels

There are certain moments in Manhattan when time stops and you are transferred to the twilight zone. The below subway ride personifies this parallel universe.

As the doors closed, he slipped through, curiously looking around before making his announcement:

"Excuse me ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention."

If you're in public and hear this, it's not good news. No one stops a train full of people to announce anything joyous. A stranger isn't going to gather the car's attention to announce your coat (bought on sale from Marshalls) was a smart choice. No one is making the entire subway aware of their new puppy (they should) or telling everyone the Atkins Diet is working for you, (it is.)

So there it was, he had our attention and the announcement began:

"I am homeless. . .

(Reader's Note: In Manhattan, on average, I'm asked for money 3 times a day. I try to help if possible. But sometimes, the reason given for needing money is preposterous.)

After the man announced he was homeless I thought, "OK, this is your standard subway beggar, a plausible situation - not making me ask questions. Let me see if I have some change."

He continued, "I am homeless and a Vietnam Veteran."

Hmmmm. He didn't just stick with homeless. Red flag. He broke out the Vietnam Veteran card. I'm not sure I like where this is going.

The speech went on, "I am homeless, a Vietnam Veteran and have a pregnant wife at home."

Do you need all three reasons? If you're homeless, that's enough for me to want to give you money. You don't have a home. I do. That sucks. When you keep going, it makes me not trust you.

So now you're homeless, a Vietnam Veteran and have a pregnant wife at home. The plausibility of this situation is quickly disintegrating.

He went on, "I'm homeless, a Vietnam veteran, have a pregnant wife at home and have Irritable Bowel Syndrome."

TIMEOUT.

WHAT?

Did he just pick that one out of a hat?

Am I supposed to give him money for his bowel medicine?

The little old lady next to me shot me a high pitched whisper, "Did . . . did that fella just say he had irritable B-O-W-E-L syndrome?"

Shaking my head in disbelief and cracking a smile I said, "Yes, yes he definitely said that."

Next stop: alternate universe.

Escalator Safety Week

In case you didn't know, it's escalator (and elevator) safety week.

Why do they have a cat as their mascot?

And why do I find this hilarious?

Maybe I have a warped sense of humor.

How Do You Define A Hero?

Webster’s dictionary defines a hero as, “A being of great strength and courage celebrated for bold exploits; often the offspring of a mortal and a god.”

My hero has tremendous strength. To characterize his exploits as “bold” would be an insult to his achievements. They are extraordinarily priceless. I’m not saying he’s a God. But for the record, every time I’m with him is a religious experience.

Some heroes carry fancy contraptions and name their sidekick after a bird. Mine arrives at my door in 15 minutes or less.

Maybe you’ve witnessed someone stop a murder, rescue a baby, or cure a disease. Whatever the circumstances, your hero pales in comparison to the man I speak of. For my hero lives on; past the legend of Superman and beyond the lore of Santa Claus.

He became one of the most remarkable military commanders in Chinese history. With this distinguishing accomplishment, he wasn’t satisfied. He went on to become THE most celebrated leader in chinese takeout history.

Some heroes shoot heat beams out of their eyes and see through walls. But can they whip up pork fried rice?

My hero smashed the Taiping rebels in four provinces; put down a revolt known as the Nian Rebellion, then marched west and reconquered Chinese Turkestan from Muslim rebels. Afterwards, (I imagine) he overloaded on MSG and had to nap for a few hours.

He may not have saved damsels in distress but he’s been saving me from hunger for twenty seven years.

He captured the cities of Shaoxing, Fujian and Guangdong provinces and crushed the Taipings in 1864. Over a hundred years later, he would capture (and reward!) the taste buds of Americans.

He may not have come here from a galaxy far away but he has used his powers to spread deliciousness to millions.

I’m glad your uncle is a police officer, that’s a noble profession and a person you should be proud of. But does he bring an eggroll and duck sauce every time he sees you?

I appreciate your hero’s ability to turn into a ball of fire. But I bet he doesn't tell you your lucky numbers and that "something special will happen to you today."

General Tso.

A leader of great men, he stopped a rebellion and saved a nation.

Then he made the most sumptuous chicken a generation has ever tasted.

Napoleon Called - He Wants His Complex Back

I like to stay "fit." You know, work my glutes and triceratops muscles. OK, triceratops is a dinosaur. Regardless, have you experienced the "gym grunter?'

As a young professional, it's hard enough starting, continuing (and paying for) a gym membership. The added aggravation of a gym pest is unsettling. The gym grunter is chief among gym pests, believing grunting correlates to his (disgusting) neck size.

Everyone is entitled to a moderate grunt here or there. A little release is expected. But when you're drawing attention from the 80 year old stretching 40 feet away, lower the caveman voice.

Buddy, I was just about to "feel the burn" over here - could you pipe down?

Maybe I'm missing something. Is it helpful to scream like OJ entering a hotel room? Did you notice the gym collectively taking off their headphones? Everyone turning around, wondering - "Did someone just die?!"

I'm sorry you're 5'0. I'm sorry your hairline resembles a monkey's ass. Most of all, I'm sorry you need to yell like Frankenstein while overcompensating with weights.

But no amount of screaming is going to change the fact that you're generally undesirable to most women.

On the all time annoyances list, you're right up there with Rosie O'Donnell and the guys from the "Are you gellin" commercials. If I wanted to get annoyed by a sporting event, I'd watch the WNBA.

Here's a thought - breathe normally.

Who knows, you might like it.

Cubicle Protection

One of the more ridiculous things I've seen. Watch the demo.

Apparently, Ron Jeremy is My Pharmacist

We’ve all seen the insane pharmaceutical commercials. We’re shown smiling faces advocating the drug, then told of creepy side effects - like enjoying Michael Bolton.

I’ve come to expect these side effects – even laughing about how ludicrous they are.

But Cialis - (Erectile dysfunction) Cialis has gone too far.

I was willing to let it go when the announcer for Ambien (sleep aid) told me it could cause “sleep eating.” (Huh?)

I looked the other way when Lexapro (depression) told me it may cause “severe diarrhea.” (You want something to be depressed about?!)

And when Mirapex (restless leg syndrome) told me I faced “intense gambling urges,” I stopped friends from blowing it off strippers in casinos.

But Cialis? Cialis is out of control.

By now you’ve seen the commercial. The drug sounds great. Who wouldn’t want a window of 36 hours to have sex? That’s a big window. If you’re hanging out with someone for 36 hours and not having sex, there’s a bigger issue than erectile dysfunction.

The statement causing the problem is “Call your doctor if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours.”

FOUR hours? Oh?

So that’s when I should call? So a two hour erection would be. . . . . normal? Don't bother the doctor for that?

Is this drug in candy bowls at porn shoots?

If I have an erection lasting longer than 30 minutes, Eva Longoria and Eva Mendes (any Eva, really) are sleeping over.

The only place I’m calling if I have an erection lasting longer than four hours is the Guinness Book of World Records.

When Co-workers Attack

JUST EAT THE CAKE !


Treats in the break room should be on your radar from the day you begin work. My theory regarding these so called "treats" has been proven over time, especially if you've seen before and after photos of co-workers. The powers that be encourage sweets to be brought in on a daily basis. This way, employees stay sugared up, alert, and thus, more productive.

In the long run (of course) the employee gains weight, feels depressed and remains at the company because they feel unwanted anywhere else. It's company retention at its finest.

Because of the tremendous influx of lard through the break room, be weary of love handles. Love handles are a condition plaguing most Americans but you should be especially concerned, as break room goodies are the #1 leading cause.

I have a serious problem with the term “love handles.” This is too affectionate a term for this condition. Have you ever heard someone say, “Sex was AMAZING last night, thank God for his/her love handles.”

Or, if a friend is trying to set you up with someone, and you’re asking what they’re like. “Are they cute, funny, smart, but most importantly, tell me they have love handles!”

You can give yourself every pep talk in the world to stay away from the sacred sweets that lurk just steps from your cube. Unfortunately, once you see Deborah’s triple chocolate chip cheesecake wrapped in fudge you may not be able to keep your strength. I’d make allowance for one of these willpower shattering moments about once every two weeks. Anymore than that and your love handles will become too powerful to overcome. When you see the email detailing the taste parade for your mouth – disregard and get back to work ASAP.

If you ever decide to be bold enough to not have the brownie/cake/donuts in the break room, be careful. Your fellow employees will chastise you like you've just insulted their religion.

“Wait, you’re not having cake?” It will begin.

“Why aren’t you having cake??? It’s Christine’s Birthday! You don’t like cake?” You might try to explain, “No, I like cake, it’s just I. . .” (Don’t make any attempt at a rebuttal, it’s futile.)

They’ll continue, “For Christ sake, it’s ICE CREAM CAKE! ! ! Have some cake! (At this point you will begin getting confused, as their ramblings become nonsensical.) Are you anti – American? Are you a liberal? Cake is as American as apple pie!”

They’ll go on “I suppose next you're going to tell us you don’t like apple pie?! How often do you get to enjoy a nice slice of Ice Cream Cake? How do you live with yourself?!"

(Reader’s note: At the office, you have this “option” of enjoying a nice slice of Ice Cream Cake at least 3 times a week.) From here, they should begin to calm down. Either your computer guy or that “big boned” employee from finance will be grateful he can double up on his serving.

As he jams his eighth helping into his mouth, you may get a little jab from him of “Youwure Ccwrrazy mwan” but that will be the end of it.

Congratulations, you’ve withstood one of many peer pressure moments at the office.

God Bless The Bread Bowl

I will eat you. Then I will eat the container in which you came.


At the risk of sounding like a morbidly obese man who needs a bulldozer to knock down his walls and a crane to pry him out of bed, here is another post about food:


French onion or clam chowder, it doesn't matter. When you're eating a bread bowl, everybody wins. Is there anything more satisfying than eating a bread bowl? Because - I don't want to only eat my original meal, I need to eat what it came in as well.

Usually, when I'm done with a meal - a deep depression comes over me. That's it? I'm done? How can this be?!

The bread bowl removes this wall of sadness. It replaces sadness with hope - in the form of deliciously soaked bread.

The inventor of the bread bowl knew what he was doing: "I've got it! Now the fatties can eat their soup AND the bowl it came in!" Inventor's Sidekick: "That will never work sir, no one is that fat and it seems a little redundant." Inventor, "Oh, believe me, there are people out there who are that morbidly obese."

Clearly, the inventor was onto something. The meal is gone but the bowl remains - primed for eating - simply glorious.

God bless the bread bowl.

The 25 Greatest Moments from "The Office"

Compliments of Rolling Stone:

The 25 Greatest Moments from "The Office"

All the best scenes, from Dwight's Mussolini speech to "green is whorish"

The 4 Worst Candies Ever

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - Wax

Over the years, our taste buds are occasionally forced to wander through the ghettos and alleys of the candy universe. Whether sold as a "special holiday candy" or disguised in clever packaging, no one is safe from the horror of atrocious candy.

Everyone knows that Kit Kats and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups belong in the food pyramid but there are an equal number of foul tasting, shoulder shuttering, bitterly nauseating candy disasters that should make the US list of controlled substances.


Raisinets

Much like Pepsi clear or Cop Rock, Raisinets seemed a good idea at the time. You really can't fault the creators of this repulsive candy for saying to themselves, "Hey, lets cover these raisins in chocolate, people who actually like raisins will love it, PLUS there's chocolate, it's win-win!

When you cover something as vile as raisins in something as delicious as chocolate, it inevitably results in chaos. Am I supposed to be chewing or dissolving? Am I supposed to be eating healthy or pigging out?

Fried lard covered in chocolate? I'm sold. Donuts wrapped in bacon, then covered in chocolate? Sign me up! But Raisinets leave the candy feeling confused, disappointed, and most importantly, disgusted.


The "Jelly" Family

The jelly family includes any candy that decided it was a good idea to insert a "jelly treat" into its center. "Freshen Up" bubble gum is a prime example of this crime against humanity.

Yuuuum, this is really great gum quickly turns into, "DEAR GOD, what was that?!"

I don't know about you, but I like to chew my gum. I don't need the added fun of having my tongue try to explain to the rest of my mouth what just happened.

Don't confuse what I'm trying to say. . . . I'm not attacking diet staples like jelly donuts or Cadbury Cream Eggs. These things belong together. But placing a mystery gel into an otherwise normal candy should be considered a federal offense.


Candy Corn

First of all, you should be aware of my long standing position that candy corn is evil. Sure, they're nicely colored and go together with Halloween like steroids go with baseball, but at what price?

I'm convinced these things climb out of the trash after you've thrown them out for the 8th time.

They lurk at the bottom of your Halloween bag, fall between your furniture, taste like wax, and are a travesty to true candy lovers everywhere.

After Halloween, have you ever heard someone say "Yes! Look at all the candy corn I got!" No? That's because no one actually likes these things.


Black Licorice

Ever drag your tongue along the side of a garden with fresh laid manure? If you have, you know what black licorice tastes like.

The flavor of black licorice is about as puzzling as Ricky Martin's sexuality. This candy violates the sanctity of your mouth. The experience ranks somewhere between watching a Richard Simmons video and ingesting OFF spray.

Although its older but much hotter sister is the Red Twizzler, don't be fooled by any similarities. Black Twizzlers make a mockery of everything the Twizzler family stands for.


I miss a candy you despise? LOVE candy corn? (you're sick) - let me know - Cubicled_Cubicled@hotmail.com