The Three Stages of Die (ting)

I like to eat. A lot. It’s not that I’m obese – it’s worse. If obesity had a (fatter) friend, that’s what I’d be. It’s a 2 tiered problem. Not only do I eat ridiculous portions, I’ll exclusively eat foods that are horrible for me. With 1/3 of Americans as obese, I’m in good company. A typical week of eating includes 4 days of general tso, 3 days of bacon, egg and cheese and enough buffalo chicken to feed an actual buffalo. Clearly, I have a problem.

So if I’m aware I should be joining overeaters anonymous and realize my eating habits are as bad as cookie monster, why continue the lifestyle? Because the alternative is much, much worse.
If God said, “listen, you’re going to die in 40 years from a heart attack OR you’re going to die in 50 years because you’re eating healthy” I’d have to legitimately consider the options. 40 years of glorious, enjoyable eating and drinking or 50 years of tofu hell and low carb beer?

After all, it’s called dieting for a reason. Each time you eat a turkey burger or salad, you die a little inside. If you’re going to languish in the nightmare that is dieting, familiarize yourself with the 3 stages:

Die (ting) Stages

1. Resistance

During the Resistance stage, you are disgusted by the thought of consuming healthy food. At this stage, you’re genuinely offended by the idea of dieting and want to harm the individual who brought it up. You might stop to look at a vegetable or fruit, simply because you never knew they existed. However, your confusion of how to prepare, store, or eat such an item is overwhelming. You refuse to make a change in your diet and continue to eat the way you always have, (because you’re a fatty.)


2. Indulgence

If you survive it, Indulgence is the best stage. During the Indulgence stage, Mcdonald’s becomes a 2nd home. You live off pizza and put syrup on EVERYTHING. You eat cookie dough for breakfast and begin using exercise as a curse word. Chunking your way to Dairy Queen is the only perspiration you will experience. As you free base buffalo chicken and mainline chalupas, you realize life is a precious gift – made up of M&M’s and Reese’s cups and you must eat them all.


3. Acceptance

Finally, acceptance sets in. Most likely, you have begun having chest pains or your girlfriend/wife/annoying friend has pestered you to your breaking point. Shame on them. Take baby steps. Dieting isn’t something you should jump into. Mainly because that would require movement. Start by switching from cream to milk in your coffee. Calm down, I know it’s not easy. Once you adjust to the change in ordering, I promise you (might someday) get used to the taste. Godspeed and good luck.