Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - Wax
Over the years, our taste buds are occasionally forced to wander through the ghettos and alleys of the candy universe. Whether sold as a "special holiday candy" or disguised in clever packaging, no one is safe from the horror of atrocious candy.
Everyone knows that Kit Kats and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups belong in the food pyramid but there are an equal number of foul tasting, shoulder shuttering, bitterly nauseating candy disasters that should make the US list of controlled substances.
Raisinets
Much like Pepsi clear or Cop Rock, Raisinets seemed a good idea at the time. You really can't fault the creators of this repulsive candy for saying to themselves, "Hey, lets cover these raisins in chocolate, people who actually like raisins will love it, PLUS there's chocolate, it's win-win!
When you cover something as vile as raisins in something as delicious as chocolate, it inevitably results in chaos. Am I supposed to be chewing or dissolving? Am I supposed to be eating healthy or pigging out?
Fried lard covered in chocolate? I'm sold. Donuts wrapped in bacon, then covered in chocolate? Sign me up! But Raisinets leave the candy feeling confused, disappointed, and most importantly, disgusted.
The "Jelly" Family
The jelly family includes any candy that decided it was a good idea to insert a "jelly treat" into its center. "Freshen Up" bubble gum is a prime example of this crime against humanity.
Yuuuum, this is really great gum quickly turns into, "DEAR GOD, what was that?!"
I don't know about you, but I like to chew my gum. I don't need the added fun of having my tongue try to explain to the rest of my mouth what just happened.
Don't confuse what I'm trying to say. . . . I'm not attacking diet staples like jelly donuts or Cadbury Cream Eggs. These things belong together. But placing a mystery gel into an otherwise normal candy should be considered a federal offense.
Candy Corn
First of all, you should be aware of my long standing position that candy corn is evil. Sure, they're nicely colored and go together with Halloween like steroids go with baseball, but at what price?
I'm convinced these things climb out of the trash after you've thrown them out for the 8th time.
They lurk at the bottom of your Halloween bag, fall between your furniture, taste like wax, and are a travesty to true candy lovers everywhere.
After Halloween, have you ever heard someone say "Yes! Look at all the candy corn I got!" No? That's because no one actually likes these things.
Black Licorice
Ever drag your tongue along the side of a garden with fresh laid manure? If you have, you know what black licorice tastes like.
The flavor of black licorice is about as puzzling as Ricky Martin's sexuality. This candy violates the sanctity of your mouth. The experience ranks somewhere between watching a Richard Simmons video and ingesting OFF spray.
Although its older but much hotter sister is the Red Twizzler, don't be fooled by any similarities. Black Twizzlers make a mockery of everything the Twizzler family stands for.
I miss a candy you despise? LOVE candy corn? (you're sick) - let me know - Cubicled_Cubicled@hotmail.com
Everyone knows that Kit Kats and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups belong in the food pyramid but there are an equal number of foul tasting, shoulder shuttering, bitterly nauseating candy disasters that should make the US list of controlled substances.
Raisinets
Much like Pepsi clear or Cop Rock, Raisinets seemed a good idea at the time. You really can't fault the creators of this repulsive candy for saying to themselves, "Hey, lets cover these raisins in chocolate, people who actually like raisins will love it, PLUS there's chocolate, it's win-win!
When you cover something as vile as raisins in something as delicious as chocolate, it inevitably results in chaos. Am I supposed to be chewing or dissolving? Am I supposed to be eating healthy or pigging out?
Fried lard covered in chocolate? I'm sold. Donuts wrapped in bacon, then covered in chocolate? Sign me up! But Raisinets leave the candy feeling confused, disappointed, and most importantly, disgusted.
The "Jelly" Family
The jelly family includes any candy that decided it was a good idea to insert a "jelly treat" into its center. "Freshen Up" bubble gum is a prime example of this crime against humanity.
Yuuuum, this is really great gum quickly turns into, "DEAR GOD, what was that?!"
I don't know about you, but I like to chew my gum. I don't need the added fun of having my tongue try to explain to the rest of my mouth what just happened.
Don't confuse what I'm trying to say. . . . I'm not attacking diet staples like jelly donuts or Cadbury Cream Eggs. These things belong together. But placing a mystery gel into an otherwise normal candy should be considered a federal offense.
Candy Corn
First of all, you should be aware of my long standing position that candy corn is evil. Sure, they're nicely colored and go together with Halloween like steroids go with baseball, but at what price?
I'm convinced these things climb out of the trash after you've thrown them out for the 8th time.
They lurk at the bottom of your Halloween bag, fall between your furniture, taste like wax, and are a travesty to true candy lovers everywhere.
After Halloween, have you ever heard someone say "Yes! Look at all the candy corn I got!" No? That's because no one actually likes these things.
Black Licorice
Ever drag your tongue along the side of a garden with fresh laid manure? If you have, you know what black licorice tastes like.
The flavor of black licorice is about as puzzling as Ricky Martin's sexuality. This candy violates the sanctity of your mouth. The experience ranks somewhere between watching a Richard Simmons video and ingesting OFF spray.
Although its older but much hotter sister is the Red Twizzler, don't be fooled by any similarities. Black Twizzlers make a mockery of everything the Twizzler family stands for.
I miss a candy you despise? LOVE candy corn? (you're sick) - let me know - Cubicled_Cubicled@hotmail.com
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