When Co-workers Attack

JUST EAT THE CAKE !


Treats in the break room should be on your radar from the day you begin work. My theory regarding these so called "treats" has been proven over time, especially if you've seen before and after photos of co-workers. The powers that be encourage sweets to be brought in on a daily basis. This way, employees stay sugared up, alert, and thus, more productive.

In the long run (of course) the employee gains weight, feels depressed and remains at the company because they feel unwanted anywhere else. It's company retention at its finest.

Because of the tremendous influx of lard through the break room, be weary of love handles. Love handles are a condition plaguing most Americans but you should be especially concerned, as break room goodies are the #1 leading cause.

I have a serious problem with the term “love handles.” This is too affectionate a term for this condition. Have you ever heard someone say, “Sex was AMAZING last night, thank God for his/her love handles.”

Or, if a friend is trying to set you up with someone, and you’re asking what they’re like. “Are they cute, funny, smart, but most importantly, tell me they have love handles!”

You can give yourself every pep talk in the world to stay away from the sacred sweets that lurk just steps from your cube. Unfortunately, once you see Deborah’s triple chocolate chip cheesecake wrapped in fudge you may not be able to keep your strength. I’d make allowance for one of these willpower shattering moments about once every two weeks. Anymore than that and your love handles will become too powerful to overcome. When you see the email detailing the taste parade for your mouth – disregard and get back to work ASAP.

If you ever decide to be bold enough to not have the brownie/cake/donuts in the break room, be careful. Your fellow employees will chastise you like you've just insulted their religion.

“Wait, you’re not having cake?” It will begin.

“Why aren’t you having cake??? It’s Christine’s Birthday! You don’t like cake?” You might try to explain, “No, I like cake, it’s just I. . .” (Don’t make any attempt at a rebuttal, it’s futile.)

They’ll continue, “For Christ sake, it’s ICE CREAM CAKE! ! ! Have some cake! (At this point you will begin getting confused, as their ramblings become nonsensical.) Are you anti – American? Are you a liberal? Cake is as American as apple pie!”

They’ll go on “I suppose next you're going to tell us you don’t like apple pie?! How often do you get to enjoy a nice slice of Ice Cream Cake? How do you live with yourself?!"

(Reader’s note: At the office, you have this “option” of enjoying a nice slice of Ice Cream Cake at least 3 times a week.) From here, they should begin to calm down. Either your computer guy or that “big boned” employee from finance will be grateful he can double up on his serving.

As he jams his eighth helping into his mouth, you may get a little jab from him of “Youwure Ccwrrazy mwan” but that will be the end of it.

Congratulations, you’ve withstood one of many peer pressure moments at the office.