7 Train Tomfoolery

Begging with Bowels

There are certain moments in Manhattan when time stops and you are transferred to the twilight zone. The below subway ride personifies this parallel universe.

As the doors closed, he slipped through, curiously looking around before making his announcement:

"Excuse me ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention."

If you're in public and hear this, it's not good news. No one stops a train full of people to announce anything joyous. A stranger isn't going to gather the car's attention to announce your coat (bought on sale from Marshalls) was a smart choice. No one is making the entire subway aware of their new puppy (they should) or telling everyone the Atkins Diet is working for you, (it is.)

So there it was, he had our attention and the announcement began:

"I am homeless. . .

(Reader's Note: In Manhattan, on average, I'm asked for money 3 times a day. I try to help if possible. But sometimes, the reason given for needing money is preposterous.)

After the man announced he was homeless I thought, "OK, this is your standard subway beggar, a plausible situation - not making me ask questions. Let me see if I have some change."

He continued, "I am homeless and a Vietnam Veteran."

Hmmmm. He didn't just stick with homeless. Red flag. He broke out the Vietnam Veteran card. I'm not sure I like where this is going.

The speech went on, "I am homeless, a Vietnam Veteran and have a pregnant wife at home."

Do you need all three reasons? If you're homeless, that's enough for me to want to give you money. You don't have a home. I do. That sucks. When you keep going, it makes me not trust you.

So now you're homeless, a Vietnam Veteran and have a pregnant wife at home. The plausibility of this situation is quickly disintegrating.

He went on, "I'm homeless, a Vietnam veteran, have a pregnant wife at home and have Irritable Bowel Syndrome."

TIMEOUT.

WHAT?

Did he just pick that one out of a hat?

Am I supposed to give him money for his bowel medicine?

The little old lady next to me shot me a high pitched whisper, "Did . . . did that fella just say he had irritable B-O-W-E-L syndrome?"

Shaking my head in disbelief and cracking a smile I said, "Yes, yes he definitely said that."

Next stop: alternate universe.